Who I am

So I find this subject to be some what of a burden to me. This would be the memory of a love I once had years ago. Time has changed both me and that of my old love. Our personality’s differ so much now someone passing by would never guess the two of us were once so close. No matter how often or hard I try to forget her, my love, a memory always sparks in my mind of some event that we shared together. Then that single spark in my mind ignites a wildfire of memories of my time with her.

I have done my best to conceal this loves identity by misleading friends and family that it is always someone else I miss so dearly. For the most part it has worked these past two years. Out of everyone I know today only one person knows 100% of my ordeal. Others have my calls in the dark and may have assumptions at best but no true facts of the mater.

The reason I am writing this here is so I can just get it out there. Keeping this all bottled up in side is not healthy. Plus I can not bring my self to open up about it to anyone I know.

I would love nothing more than to get her back. However that can’t and will not happen, save for a miracle. So my next choice is to find a way to move on. Since my love and I separated I have had a handful of relationships that never amounted to anything. The main reason being I judged them to harshly for not being her, for not being just like she was. Everyday with them I would be reminded of some time I spent with her and talk about it. I was told a vast majority of what I talked about was things involving her. 

I have spent the past few months mentally preparing myself for the next relationship I get in. Practicing blocking out the sparks before the ignite the massive fire in my mind. But there is a single yet massive problem that puts all of this preparation to waste, and a few minor ones as well. I do not know how to meet new people.

Yes, I can not move on. I am stuck. The time that was spent by my peers learning ways to interact with strangers and making new friends. I spent that time with my love. I didn’t need anyone else because I had her. The two years after our separation I spent in a spiral of confusion and depression. To this date I can not walk up to some unknown person to me. My only way of making a new friend is by being introduced by a friend I already have. Which is also becoming increasingly hard seeing as with how past events have played out I am currently down to just a very select few people whom I can call my friend.

One minor detailed problem is my work schedule. I work 12 hour shifts from 6 pm to 6 am. My sleeping patterns are so messed up by this that I haven’t seen the sun more than two to three times in the past few weeks. 

But I feel slightly better after writing this all out for the public to see. I wont lie though, I was also testing my writing skills out a bit since it has been so long since I have done any good writing.

You know, under the circumstances I am in, and the reasons why I am moving I think most people would be somewhat depressed. But I actually couldn’t be happier. What really has me down is that this far in life, everything I own fits in just four boxes… =/ I just feel like I should own more stuff.